There are seasons where a believer passes through a valley. There are seasons where prayers become places of simple words. I have sat near some broken places lately, and mourned over so many broken things, holding them in broken fingers. Have you ever been there?
I don’t think I could count the times I’ve just whispered, “Father?” and that was the whole of my prayer- just my hand reaching into the air above me.
“Do you still believe it?”
It was a question I heard, not out loud, but in my heart. It was a sneering question, a bitter question, one that stopped me. Let me explain.
I have a worship playlist on my phone. I am a big fan of Phil Wickham. His songs have consistently played in the background of my life over the recent years. Hymn of Heaven? One of my all-time favorites. The acoustic album of the same name? In 2023, it was often on repeat. I’ve drawn and written and cleaned and cooked to this album. Around this album, I’ve added other songs by Mr. Wickham, one of which is “The Jesus Way.” When I first heard this song, it made such an impact on me that I added it to my playlist, instantly. A few weeks later, I wrote the lyrics from the bridge on the whiteboard that hung above my desk. I won’t include it here because of copyright, but I will summarize:
I choose to follow Jesus, to love and forgive others, to continually worship God, come what may.
Part of the reason this song had such a big impact on me was the work God had done in my own heart, how he (in his most loving way) brought so much forgiveness for others and healing to the broken parts of my life. I still marvel at this work- it was so outside of anything I could have ever done on my own. I don’t say it lightly when I refer to this as a miracle- he took what had soured and made it sweet. I’ll never be the same. Apart from my salvation, I see this as the greatest testimony of the transformative work of the Holy Spirit in my life. It happened a few years ago, while I was visiting a family member. I was looking out the car window and sitting in the driveway. I was praying, but it wasn’t a pretty prayer- it was one of those gritty, “I don’t understand,” and “how on earth?” kind of prayers. I felt every injustice over the decades and every hot/blistering emotion that comes when something isn’t right. I didn’t want to go inside. “Why, Lord? Forgive? Why should I?” And the answer came, in that instant. I’m still not sure if it was an illustration I had heard before (perhaps in a forgotten sermon), or if the Lord just chose to drop it into my heart. Either way, God showed up with an answer. It was a cross, the bloody one, the one I never truly wanted to look at. Such a graphic picture came into my mind of suffering and crucifixion. This was how seriously the Lord took the sin that had been committed against me. It’s hard to describe what that did in my heart- the validation and also the horror. God took every slight, every pain, every time I’d been broken by others, seriously.
And that was also how seriously he took my own sin.
It was done in such a profoundly loving way- I will never be the same. Ever. I know not everyone’s experience with forgiveness is like this, it’s not often instant- but the bitterness of my heart left. It’s not to say that I never mourned again, or felt anger over past injustice again- but it is to say that the metaphorical bitter corners of my heart, Jesus swept clean.
Fast forward to the present time and a song that comes up in my playlist.
So, do I still believe it? I wanted to answer my own question truthfully, give it consideration. Do I still believe in worship, regardless of circumstances? What about loving people, even if (and especially) if they are harsh, unkind, or hateful? Is Jesus REALLY enough? Do I believe in forgiveness and grace enough to choose it over the temptation to harden my heart? Do I actually still believe Jesus’ way is better?
Yes. The answer is a resounding, YES.
I am here to testify that there is nothing more sure, steady, and enduring in the fire than the rock that is Jesus Christ. The flames might lick up everything else, but JESUS ENDURES. The Holy Spirit doesn’t leave. There is a fountain of strength, and joy, and peace that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND and cannot wrap my mind around. Can I be totally transparent? I am not sure I would believe the closeness of his presence in the crucible, had I not experienced it.
This hope is not of human origin- it’s from God. When you belong to the Lord, he sustains you with his very presence. What an amazing gift, beyond fathomable cost- to sit in the presence of God.
It doesn’t mean that the valley won’t be dark, that betrayal won’t hurt, that slander won’t sting, that hope deferred won’t make the heart sick- but it does mean that God is there, giving light, peace, and joy in the circumstance. Child, so dearly loved by God, he will bring his very son into your circumstance to sit with you, walk with you, and clear the path before your feet (even if it’s only a few yards at a time).
Jesus’ way is profoundly better than mine (or any other human’s) could ever be- even in the face of suffering. The work of forgiveness? It’s still standing because it wasn’t built by human hands. True forgiveness finds it’s origin in the Lord’s work, and his work is fireproof.
One more time, to answer my own question, yes, I still believe in Jesus’ way.
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy…” Psalm 16:11 (ESV).
